Try to read and relate....           

"FROM A DISTANCE"

Making a realization about a destructive relationship. It explores the mystery of a stranger having a massive impact on my life, at the right time. At the crucial time. Sometimes the eyes and soul of a stranger can break the spell of foolishness and bring reality of truth. Crashing around our very core. Thank God, is all that I can say, as it saved me!!

I was sitting in a small café, with a work colleague, who was also a very good friend. It was the beginning of the day and we were enjoying freshly brewed coffee, enjoying the crisp autumn air. We were laughing at the usual predictable office gossip that is inevitably found in a large organization.

My dear friend had recently left her abusive husband and seemed quite satisfied with her painstaking decision.

I on the other hand was planning a wedding to a man that had courted me for just over five years. I was still naively happy with the prospect of this man becoming my husband. My soul partner, or so I thought.
Then a fierce laugh attracted my attention. It was a laugh from a man I had never laid my curious eyes on before, but he seemed so familiar to me. My intuition made me slowly look up to capture the being of this man. For a second I stopped breathing. A gasp of air was stolen from my lungs, from my soul.

A loss of a moment, a breath, that will stay embedded in my memory forever. There he was. My eyes were smitten, intensely satisfied, like a child finally receiving a lollipop, after craving the pure sweet sugar sensation all day.

My tongue automatically went to lick my lips as they had instantly become dry, a lack of saliva of no account of my own.

He was talking to his companion. They were engrossed in a deep and thoughtful conversation. This stranger, was casually dressed, in a crisp and clean blue shirt, and from what I could see smart denim jeans. Not anyone I would look at twice.

But he had distinct features that were making my eyes melt, my tongue involuntarily, yet constantly licking my lips which had become dry. His hair was jet black, falling just above his shoulder, his eyes mysterious. A glint of mischievous childish joy.

His lips were voluptuous. They filled the bottom half of his face. Pure and soft lips that I imagine would only sing sweet lullabies to his lover. A lover that surely would cherish and adore him.

I could not help but stare into his eyes. They were a passageway to his soul.

A soul that could never have known me, but which created an instant yearning in the pit of my stomach. I felt nauseous. I felt uneasy. I felt vulnerable. Did I know this man? No I did not. Did he know me? No he didn’t.

But then I noted that his attention was also distracted from his conversation with his friend. He looked directly at me. His brilliant blue eyes were looking me up and down. It created a sense of absolute familiarity and discomfort. His stare felt like a piercing sword, thrusting through my heart in one single violent blow. A smile beamed across his incredibly handsome face. He was caught in mid sentence, for he too had lost his train of thought. He viewed me, as if we were past lovers. His eyes had a distinct knowing.

The knowing of a child who is able to capture and recognize the voice and laugher of his mother, while she is in a crowded room. Perhaps at a party. Simply at a location where she can not be seen by her child, but merely heard.

It was a knowing that startled me. He knew me. His soul knew me. I was confused. I was in love with my fiancé. But this man's energy destroyed all that was familiar to me. It was peculiar. The sensation that this man created in me, forced me to question my future.

Questions that I was not ready to answer. Questions that I never thought that I would have to answer. Who am I? Why am I getting married? Have I really found my soul partner? Am I doing the right thing? Or am I, like so many others making a terrible mistake?

As a realist, a strong character, not to be reckoned with I severed eye contact. I
farewelled my colleague with a soft kiss on her cheek and made my way out to the car.

As I sat down I automatically reached for my cigarettes.

Smoking a cigarette was my excuse to escape reality. It was my sacred time to recollect, shuffle and then store my thoughts. A time to question the motives of the decisions that I was making daily. My mind was fiercely ticking away. It was belting thoughts through my brain that I could not ignore. I surrendered to the knowledge that I am too often a walking contradiction.

I am a realist, yet a dreamer with my head lost in the heavens. Buried in the soft tender clouds. Imagining beauty. Imagining love. Yet not truly knowing it. But of course, never admitting this to myself, for I am stubborn.

For the first time in my life, I had to admit that I was one of many unfortunate souls who would rather ignore the cry of their instinct and choose to live a miserable and predictable life.

A woman who was scared to walk away from a commitment that she knew was wrong. A commitment that would bury and drown her soul forever.

A voice deep inside screamed. You must not marry this man. My soul screamed for mercy. But there was no answer. Only deafening silence. You can’t hide from the truth or deny the questions of your subconscious mind.

You are of age. You must marry this man. Imagine all of the people that you shall disappoint. How dare you leave him? You have bought land. You are building a house. You do love him. This marriage is right for you.

But my soul screamed NO, NO, NO.

Do not marry him! You deserve the best. Why not strive for it. You are a sensitive and intelligent girl who is being raped by his forceful nature. He is taking all of your pure genuine qualities for granted. Unknowingly ignoring your emotional and sacred needs. You do not deserve to be treated like a doormat.

I closed my eyes, and visualized my future. A sorry tale.

A woman left at home while her partner carelessly drank with his friends. Friends, merely associates, who had no respect for themselves. No respect for now. No respect for the future.

It was obvious that their chosen journey in life was to drink every moment that presented itself, then to simply vomit the memories away.

And then more hurtful images flashed before my eyes.

A horrendous marriage, an unsupported pregnancy. Abuse and neglect bestowed upon me by a man who vowed to love and cherish me forever.

Depressing nights alone at home with the kids, waiting for a drunk and stoned husband to come home to his castle. Never really knowing what personality would walk through that door at night. A life of fear.

Then finality. Death. A welcomed retreat. To be saved from the abuse. To be free.

I am living a life wasted on maybe one day. Maybe one day he will change.

But now strangely enough there was hope. Perhaps a different journey on the other side of the coin. A life fulfilled with satisfaction. With pure delight.

A life where my soul could be free to breath. To learn and crave the lessons that must be learnt. Lessons that will pave a clear pathway to a new life.

The simple and yet honest thought created a restlessness in me, and it engulfed my core being. It created a feeling of excitement that had been callously buried away. Buried away, deep in a tomb of death where life dare not exist. A tomb that could now be opened and thus rewarded with the riches of gold that a Queen would bath herself in. It all seemed so obvious now, I now had a choice.

I could be that Queen.

Not with materialistic wealth, but with the wealth of love.

Of pure satisfaction. Of euphoria, that could be tasted on the tip of my tongue, on my lips. It created a fire within my physical being that a flood of gushing water from a raging river could not extinguish.

These thoughts automatically drew me back to the café that morning. The distant memory of the beautiful man seated in the café. His beautiful sensual lips he was blessed with, that literally blew me away.

He was the key. He was my gift. A guardian angel sent from the heavens above. The man who knew me, although we did not meet. We did not exchange words, only glances with knowing smiles. There was a story in his eyes, and it seemed that I was one of the main characters. His eyes were so deeply connected to his soul that it amazingly created a massive and non returnable shift in my future.

I now had a decision to make. It all seemed so easy now. Inner strength had been discovered, and I now had hope. Tomorrow would be a day of life to be lived. I would no longer waste a second, a minute or an hour.

I would no longer waste a day on hopeless, non-rewarding love.

My dream of marriage had been lost. But hope and dreams had mysteriously arrived at my doorstep. Hope and dreams that could no longer be ignored by my conscious mind. My soul, now content, could rest in peace and could begin the search for truth and love.

	1. 29-03-2007 14:55
	Guest Report

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	2. 29-03-2007 15:32
	Decision Wheww! Its been long for me to hear such a story and I cant help but make this comment. What happened? Never had the chance to know the man? If not,then maybe he was just a very potent representation of a wake up call to a very serious decision.On the otherside though,  not all that appears so enchanting and soul piercing will end up with happy endings.Well,if you think and really felt your instinct is telling you something,then you really have to listen..Goodluck and if I may suggest..pray for guidance, it will help in your choices...I love your story!  Guest Report

rogerm

	3. 29-03-2007 16:37
	Decision I like the story.     And the thought at the end of it. Guest Report

123456

	4. 01-04-2007 13:18
	Decision life is full of mysteries and sometimes this thing will haunt us in moments when we think we have all the best thing in life has to offer, but then facing the biggest step in yourlife is not easy esp if like this thing happen,just follow what your heart says and as what daddy rogerm says pray for guidance...always remember in every desicions we make be ready for the risk you\'ll take... Guest Report

chrised

	5. 11-04-2007 16:44
	Decision i do not know how to say things i wanted to tell you! i am scared it will happen to me or maybe it is happening to me! i do not know! hmmmmmm! Guest Report

chava

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