First Semester 2004.
I was graduating that semester. Since we were in our Fifth Year as ECE students there were a handful of us left and belonged to one block. Which was the only reason she became my classmate. I've noticed her back in freshmen year, but I never really thought about doing something her as she belonged to a different clique. She was popular, pretty, smart, and pretty much the typical "smart" student stereotype. I was bored with school, hated the way most of my teachers taught, and pretty much got disillusioned with the whole college thing early on. Add to the fact that I only went to school in order to attend classes because they have this stupid absence policy that if you incur enough absences, you get dropped from the subject, we never got the chance to talk to each other.
So for most of our college years, we pretty much moved in different circles although we were taking up the same course. I had a complacent attitude with regards to my studies. I concentrated on getting a passing standing on my subjects early on, and ignored them when I get a guaranteed 3.0. It was a bad attitude, but I was bored. I felt that even if I studied to get a high grade, I'd still end up feeling like I haven't learned anything so what's the point? (Engineering subjects shouldn't be taught by rote. It should be taught by example. I don't give a fuck if I know the formula and the circuit structure of a voltage divider biased transistor amplifier if I have no idea where I should use it. Engineering was all about designing and building solutions, not memorizing formulas and standards. Heck, professional engineers still flip through their college text books in the middle of desinging things.) But that doesn't excuse the fact that I was one lazy SOB.
But there were some subjects that the teacher was good. He presented his lessons in a way that I could immediately understand. In such a case, I was the one of the few people that aced his exams. It was during these times that she'd notice me. I was an academic nobody, yet I breezed through some exams other constant dean's listers struggle through.
So this was the way it was on my final year. With the project study and microproccesor systems as subjects, it was my year. Some of my classmates who wouldn't give me the time of day before if I asked them for their notes so I could photocopy them or wouldn't even give me some newsprint paper when I show up to class with only my ballpen and calculator started coming up to me and asked some technical questions regarding stuff. So one day as I was between classes she came up and sat beside me.

Her:(Smiling) Hi!
Me:(Trying to act cool and bored. Emphasis on trying) Hey.
Her: I hope Sir wouldn't give us a hard time this year.
Me: I wouldn't count on it. He loves to interact with students and the best way to get a rise of us is to give us a hard time.
Her:(Giving her sweetest smile) But you never do.

You could tell she was manipulating me. But at that time, all I was thinking about was that the most popular girl on our class was sitting beside me, smelling sweet, and actually giving me a compliment. Flattery was a very potent drug and I fell for it.

Me:(Smiling shyly) Oh I don't think so.
Her: Oh c'mon its like you and Sir have your own language. Your the only one that talks to him during class. All we do is try to catch up.
Me: It's just that I like the process of designing, finding out problems and confining solutions, and Sir gives his examples that way. That's why I get him. He doesn't give a damn about standards and properties. He just tells us how the components behave and gives us situations where we could use them. I hate memorizing useless figures that I could get from a book if I actually need it.
Her:(Gives her sweet laugh) So I've noticed. You hate memorizing and those what, when, and where questions. So why don't we help each other? I'll help you with memorizing the figures, and you translate everything Sir says in "normal person" terms.
Me:(Trying to give of the impression that I wasn't interested. But I was having a hard time doing it because the prospect about spending time with her was very exciting) Oh I don't know. Sounds like a lot of work.
Her:(Pleading and at the same time smiling) Oh please?! I won't be a pest. I'm not that dumb...
Me:(Another manipulative technique. The insecure girl. Makes me unconciously wrap her up in a cocoon of assurances.) That's the point. You're the smartest girl in class. You don't need me.
Her:(Pokes me in the arm this little actions are very potent) Oh you. I'm not that smart, I just study very well. There's a difference. Please?!(She then proceeds to do a cute pleading look. I couldn't help myself after that.)
Me:Fine, fine. But you better bring food.
Her:(Everything sort of lights around her) Really?! Ok. This is going to be fun.
Me: I sure hope so.

And thats how our afternoon study sessions started. We'd sometimes do it in school, underneath the shade of the acacia trees. Sometimes at her house, sometimes at mine. Most of the time it was just an empty classroom between classes. My exams turned out well. Even for the ones I loathed, identification and enumeration of figures. She then did well in Sir's class. We talked about other things too. She was fun to be with. She totally understood me. She told me about her life, I told her about mine. We got close. I seemed to always seek her out during school. I felt compelled to spend time with her. I was smitten.
It was during the midterms week when I kissed her for the first time...
It was afternoon and we were sitting under the shade of the acacia trees. We just finished our study sessions and were just talking about stuff. There was cool a breeze blowing under the shade and we just stopped talking and stared at each other. It was then when I just felt compelled to kiss her. I leaned my head in slowly and she just kept on looking at me. I smiled and kept moving in, she smiled back, knowing that I was going to kiss her and we kissed. My heart felt like it was going to explode, my hand were clammy, yet I seemed to have kept my cool and proceeded the kiss. It lasted for a second or two but it felt like eternity for me. I never kissed a close friend before. I was waiting for her to slap me or push me away. Then the kiss ended.
I leaned back, we stared at each other. We didn't say anything. We just looked at each other and smiled.
Then the school bell rang. We had an exam in a few minutes.
Wordlessly, we gathered our stuff and went to our classroom. Our exams lasted for the rest of the day. It was dark when I left school. She was talking with some of her friends outside the school building. I was hungry and wanted dinner. So I just waited from a distance and waited until she looked up and our eyes met. I smiled, waved to her and mouthed that I was going home. She smiled and nodded and I left.
Everything went downhill from there.
I stayed up late that night, thinking. In reflecting, I knew I wasn't in love with her. I felt I was on the way but not there yet. My kissing her didn't  feel premature, it felt right at that time. She was different from others before as she was a friend first. It was a whole new ballgame. I didn't know what she was expecting. I didn't know if I could give it to her. I didn't want to hurt her, but I want to kiss her again. I want to spend time with her but I wasn't yet sure if I could commit. What does a kiss mean anyway? Isn't that just like holding hands? Hugging? It's just a symbol of affection right? Such was, and still is my ignorance.
The week after midterms was the University Day. Everybody and everything at school was busy. We didn't got that much chance to talk. When we were together, the subject of the kiss just didn't come up. Although some of her friends were giving me knowing looks of amusement. So it was about two weeks after the kiss when we had some alone time together. We were hanging at the Engineering Lobby finishing up some lab experiments. When all of a sudden she blurted out.

Her: The semester's about to end.
Me: Uhuh.
Her: We'll be graduating in a few months.
Me: That's right.
Her: A lot of things will happen.
Me: That's a given.
Her: We'll be preparing for the board exams. Do you have any plans.
Me: I dunno. It depends on a lot of things.
Her: Oh! I'm planning to review in Cebu. How about you?
Me:(Still clueless) I don't know, maybe.
Her:(Starting to get exasperated. But I haven't noticed at that time) Well if you got plans, just tell me.
Me:(Still clueless) What for?
Her:(Looks at me with an expression I can't describe) Never mind.

We went back to our lab experiments. Worked on them silently for a few minutes when she again just blurted out.

Her:Did you just spend time with me because I pestered you back when the semester started?
Me:No, I like spending time with you. We have fun right?
Her:That's it? you like me for the companionship?
Me:No, I like you for lots of reasons. I like you a lot.
Her:Seriously? that's it?
Me:(jokingly), well, you smell good too...
Her: (Pauses. closes her eyes and gives the impression that she's suppressing something. This goes for a few minutes then she says..) For the past few months, my life was an open book to you. I told you things I never told anybody else. I did a lot of things lately that were a big deal for me. I didn't do them because I just like you...
Me: ( I should have gotten the hint here. But, I thought she was just throwing a fit. So, I kept on teasing her and said...) I should hope so, I've been typing up your lab experiments...
Her: (Looks at me, like I'm the devil incarnate. Picks up her stuff. Stands up and says...) Then I guess, I'm wasting my time. Goodbye. (She then leaves)

I was shocked. The whole situation just blew up in my face without me ever realizing it. I didn't even know we were doing "the talk", I just thought she was being a girl. I tried approaching her again, but she just wouldn't talk to me. She kept avoiding me. She completely ignored me.
It took me a week to realize that she wouldn't see me again. Ever. I gave up. I just let everything go. I think she still hates me now. I hate things with no closure.
Its been two years. We had fun but I didn't think it was love. Hell I still don't know what love is.
Some mutual friends tell me that when the subject of me comes up in their conversations she clams up or leaves the table. I tried meeting her in order to talk about stuff for the sake of closure, yet she still wouldn't talk to me.
Anyway, I knew that If I told her I LOVE YOU, things would turn out differently. But I guess I just didn't feel that way. I just wanted to kiss her again. I never got to do that.
Bummer.
No wonder I still don't have a girlfriend.

From the notebooks of Spidamang, November 2004

	1. 16-02-2007 15:54
	The hell dude? Maybe you want to kiss her because you\'re subconsciously in love with her? Guest Report

123456

	2. 16-02-2007 15:57
	I think if you could've held on longer, maybe loved would've grown on you. But maybe it's just me. :D Man, you lost a good opportunity. If this piece isn't fiction. Guest Report

123456

	3. 18-02-2007 21:50
	guys learn from this. spidamang, hope you'll meet her again. then try to see how things go... regards from ur tita Guest Report

Jigsz

	4. 11-08-2007 17:55
	then why do you want to kiss her again??? i suppose you love her but just don't want to admit it. the reason? well it's simple, you still don't have a girlfriend because your heart is longing for her...     be honest bro! Guest Report

creyzeejoi

	5. 13-08-2007 11:19
	You're really good at writing, read this article again. And it just depresses me, reminds me of how a failure I am at girls then women.     Damn! Now i'm just thinking that I should get married soon or it'll be too late. Guest Report

123456

	6. 14-08-2007 13:24
	closed book run ja. amo ra gani ginpost ko hehehe. I find pining for a relationship a waste of time. Tamad run ko kang guarded conversations during the first few dates. Diretsohanay run ko pakita kang pagkatawo ko para maman-an dayon kn ano gid man. hehehe.     @123456 - I know where you're coming from. Us geeks are the most under-appreciated bunch of men in the world. Sabad bi kay gina stereotype ta kng mga sine kag libro kag magazines mong. hehehe. why can't they realize that geeks are sexy too eh? http://spidamang.blogspot.com/ Guest Report

spidamang

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